So, on a whim, I’ve decided to post what is essentially a stream of consciousness journal post thing. I was told to just go out and make things and not be afraid to fail, so here is my failing in action.
I really don’t understand what people are doing. We get to exist for mere millisecond on the cosmic scale and everybody is going to meeting and sleeping and working 5/7ths of their lives doing some shit nobody will care about in a generation. “But J, Albert Einstein is still well known and he’s been dead for decades!” This is true, but could the shadow and caricature of Einstein we know today cover even a fraction of who he was? I don’t think so. Is that the greatest legacy you can leave? To be a cartoony version of the person you were? Even then, is that desire to leave any type of legacy narcissistic and fruitless sin the first place? I have that desire within me, and it’s hard to see it as anything more than a ridiculous need to somehow skirt death in the minds of the future.
Is that paragraph total bullshit? I did think it and type it, but how am I to know if any human on earth will connect with it at all? Maybe that’s the thrill of writing in the first place. You throw all your stuff on a page and hope to the universe that someone will get something from it. Is worrying about connecting stifling my writing? More than likely, constant self consciousness and what I feel to be a hyper awareness of what others think of me is the true stifling force for me. I decide how others see me, generally with a negative slant, and act accordingly, directed by my own unfounded belief that they dislike me for a variety of ridiculous and not so ridiculous reasons.
Time alone is either amazing freedom or time to dwell on all that is wrong with myself and the world. I enjoy my life, but I can not help myself from obsessing over the stupidest shit or trying to find the end all be all definite answer/opinion/belief for a certain topic. Sometimes It’s my belief, or lack thereof, in a god. Today, It was that guy who jacked up the price of AIDs medicine 4,000%. Obviously that guy is a douche who is taking advantage of our healthcare system and the sick, but I couldn’t actively say that because there could be some minute detail, or his own lies, that make me think he was doing the right thing. I shouldn’t be that overtaken by a conflicting opinion, but I have no confidence so I doubt every fucking thing I think.
I really think lacking confidence is my biggest problem right now, but how do you build confidence? I’ve been exercising and I’m trying to stick with it, but should I tie my confidence solely to how I look? Am I not just creating more problems for myself once my body begins to age and turn to shit? If I could just be more present maybe I wouldn’t worry so much about that.
I need to learn write with a voice, find a calling, and get out there socially. I have friends I haven’t spoken with in months that I would enjoy hanging out with again, but my fear is always being the other. On the other hand, I could die tomorrow and a fear abut social situations is FUCKING RIDICULOUS by comparison.
Let’s get better while accepting failure as one of the best ways to grow as a person.