What’s the Deal

So, on a whim, I’ve decided to post what is essentially a stream of consciousness journal post thing. I was told to just go out and make things and not be afraid to fail, so here is my failing in action.

I really don’t understand what people are doing. We get to exist for mere millisecond on the cosmic scale and everybody is going to meeting and sleeping and working 5/7ths of their lives doing some shit nobody will care about in a generation. “But J, Albert Einstein is still well known and he’s been dead for decades!” This is true, but could the shadow and caricature of Einstein we know today cover even a fraction of who he was? I don’t think so. Is that the greatest legacy you can leave? To be a cartoony version of the person you were? Even then, is that desire to leave any type of legacy narcissistic and fruitless sin the first place? I have that desire within me, and it’s hard to see it as anything more than a ridiculous need to somehow skirt death in the minds of the future.

Is that paragraph total bullshit? I did think it and type it, but how am I to know if any human on earth will connect with it at all? Maybe that’s the thrill of writing in the first place. You throw all your stuff on a page and hope to the universe that someone will get something from it. Is worrying about connecting stifling my writing? More than likely, constant self consciousness and what I feel to be a hyper awareness of what others think of me is the true stifling force for me. I decide how others see me, generally with a negative slant, and act accordingly, directed by my own unfounded belief that they dislike me for a variety of ridiculous and not so ridiculous reasons.

Time alone is either amazing freedom or  time to dwell on all that is wrong with myself and the world. I enjoy my life, but I can not help myself from obsessing over the stupidest shit or trying to find the end all be all definite answer/opinion/belief for a certain topic. Sometimes It’s my belief, or lack thereof, in a god. Today, It was that guy who jacked up the price of AIDs medicine 4,000%. Obviously that guy is a douche who is taking advantage of our healthcare system and the sick, but I couldn’t actively say that because there could be some minute detail, or his own lies, that make me think he was doing the right thing. I shouldn’t be that overtaken by a conflicting opinion, but I have no confidence so I doubt every fucking thing I think.

I really think lacking confidence is my biggest problem right now, but how do you build confidence? I’ve been exercising and I’m trying to stick with it, but should I tie my confidence solely to how I look? Am I not just creating more problems for myself once my body begins to age and turn to shit? If I could just be more present maybe I wouldn’t worry so much about that.

I need to learn write with a voice, find a calling, and get out there socially. I have friends I haven’t spoken with in months that I would enjoy hanging out with again, but my fear is always being the other. On the other hand, I could die tomorrow and a fear abut social situations is FUCKING RIDICULOUS by comparison.

Let’s get better while accepting failure as one of the best ways to grow as a person.

-J

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THE EXCITING FUTURE OF DIGITAL PROSE!

Hello and Welcome to J Ray Writing! Thanks to an almost superhuman ability to procrastinate, I have decided to start this page as a way to motivate me to write more and as a medium for feedback from anyone generous enough with their time to read something I’ve written. I’m hoping to cover anything and everything from short stories to essays to frantic scribbles on a napkin with varying success and quality. My goal is to write 1-2 bits per week, so please check back now and again to see what exciting new experiments I’ve pulled out of my head.

-J. Ray

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